Amerikan Twins Undergoing Surgery to Become Conjoined

Ocean Springs, Mississippi — As any of our comrades who have visited the West can vouch, Americans are a shallow people obsessed with materialistic and selfish expressions of happiness. This is exemplified by the national preoccupation with cosmetic surgery. Each year Amerikans spend billions upon billions of rubles altering their appearances with invasive medical procedures. Even men seek to alter the natural process of aging with hair implants, pectoral implants, and — averse to exercise as they are — a medical means to attain "six-pack abs." They are a lazy and vain society, a blight on the progress of humankind, and destined to collapse under the weight of its own decadence, at which time Communism will be there to fill the lawless void, to restructure their failed experiment in greed and corruption, in accordance with the successful, cooperative socialist model. Comrades, this is a story replete with all of the symptoms of a society in decline, exemplifying the waste of valuable resources, and the alienation that often leads to prostitution, drug addition, alchoholism, homosexuality, vapid pop music, and cities teeming with serial killers. Here are the facts.

According to the United States Census Bureau, two out of every five women are prostitutes. 72% of Amerikan children are born under highway overpasses or in dumpsters behind grocery stores and fast-food restaurants, where the women forage for food. The Christian Coalition reports that fully 73% of the men are rapists, while another 64% are homosexuals, 55% are crossdressers, while another estimated 25% live in closets. The most staggering statistic of all is, according to the prominent political leader Pat Buchanan, approximately 67% of the men are serial killers, creating a serial-killer victim shortage so severe, Buchanan has been forced to reverse his restrictive ideology on immigration, an astonishing turn for him. "It is critical," he stated with visible strain, "that we loosen controls at our borders to allow Mexicans and Canadians to travel freely, so our serial killers will have people to kill. If not, they will soon turn on each other, leading to a too-rapid decline in our male population, which in turn will lead to wage inflation as jobs become difficult to fill." Leave it to the Amerikans to miss the real point. It's no puzzle to sensible people why the women live in cardboard boxes: it's the only place to get any peace and quiet.

Amidst this madness is just more madness, reminding this writer of the Russian folk expression, "The white stuff in chukar manure is just more chukar manure." In a rural town of Ocean Springs, located on the outskirts of Amerika, twin girls will undergo surgery to become conjoined. The 19-year-old girls, Aileen and Eileen Murray, elected to forgo the breast implants preferred by most teen-aged girls on the verge of womanhood in favor of a lifetime commitment to sisterhood. "Aside from the fact that she's my best friend," Aileen said, "we're together all the time anyway." Eileen chimed, "We decided to lift the expression 'joined at the hip' from the figurative to the literal." At this, they giggled and hugged with congratulatory warmth.

Assuming that the anatomy referenced in the folksy expression is not the region decided upon for the conjoining, that is a choice that must be made soon. A surgeon has already agreed to perform the complicated procedure. Dr. Wilder Penfield will accomplish the surgery in his kitchen for $500 and some aluminum siding. "All the preparations have been made. I've informed my domestic partner as to what day I'll be requiring the kitchen table, and a fresh table cloth has been set aside for the sake of sanitation," the doctor said volubly as he tossed back a shot of Kentucky bourbon. "And this," he added, gesturing toward the half-empty bottle with his empty shot glass, "will be my last until these two girls are as one."

The doctor said that the question remains as to the depths of the conjoining. "Do the girls want to be connected at the hip, literally? Will they want to share bloodstreams? A kidney? A partial spine?" he asked rhetorically. "These are questions that must be seriously considered before we proceed. I'm going to recommend the pygopagi conjoining, like Daisy and Violet Hilton." Daisy and Violet were joined at the buttocks.

"There are a couple of good points to the pygopagi conjoining," Dr. Penfield explained. "The positioning would allow the girls to have some sense of privacy if they choose to date later. And the relative simplicity of the procedure would allow me to be at the Mobile dog track by noon."

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