Bush Administration to Copyright War Rhetoric to Finance War in Iraq

Washington, D. C. -- Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld unveiled a bold new means of financing the war against Iraq, which would ultimately affect free speech and free press, say critics.  Rumsfeld announced that the Bush Administration would copyright the phrase weapons of mass destruction©, then charge journalists and news organizations a fee for every time the phrase was used.  Rumsfeld chuckled as he detailed the plan.  He said, "We've been experimenting with it for several months now by using it a few times, then watching the media to see how many of you would repeat it verbatim."  

Their preliminary findings were optimistic, he said.  "Despite the fact that I despise the whole bunch of you, you performed in a way about which I am most pleased.  Every time the phrase weapons of mass destruction© was mentioned, you quoted it ad nauseum.  Not only in the reports you filed that day, but in guest appearances on politically based talk shows, which only led to further use of the phrase weapons of mass destruction© by people referencing those same talk shows."  A single reference to "weapons of mass destruction© would generate literally thousands of uses of the phrase weapons of mass destruction©, and it exponentiated itself," Rumsfeld said gleefully, all but rubbing his hands together.  The reason for his joy wouldn't be truly revealed until the end of the press conference.

Privy to leaks prior to this press conference, civil liberties advocates were in force, with a gun belt full of criticisms.  Arthur Keach of the ACLU expressed concerns directly to Rumsfeld over the idea of copyrighting a phrase used by the Bush Administration to describe an important facet of its foreign policy.  

"What phrase are you talking about, that we're using to describe our foreign policy?" Rumsfeld asked with a bemused look.  Keach, showing the strains of exasperation, replied, "The phrase you're already used about a hundred times, weapons of mass destruction©."  

"Oh," Rumsfeld said with a snicker.  "That phrase."  

Rumsfeld explained that the phrase "weapons of mass destruction© refers only to the way we talk about Saddam Hussein and has no bearing on the rest of our foreign policy."  He explained that it was not weapons of mass destruction© per se that the Bush Administration objects to.  "It's the idea that he has those rich oil fields and owns weapons of mass destruction©.  With weapons of mass destruction©, a madman such as Saddam could create havoc in the area, as he did when he took over Kuwait."  While Rumsfeld admits that Hussein didn't use weapons of mass destruction© against Kuwait, "it's not because he wouldn't.  His supplies were depleted.  He had already used up the nerve gas we had provided him to stave off invasions in the north."        

Later that day, President Bush, attending a photo-op at a Texas kindergarten with First Lady Bush, was asked his opinion of Rumsfeld's idea of copyrighting a phrase pertinent to foreign policy.  He stopped playing with the children as he evinced  annoyance at the interruption over such a non issue.  "Are you kidding me?" the President said.  "The only copyright better than that would be one on the bleating of cows."  

The First Lady cleared her throat.  "That's sheep, dear.  The bleating of sheep.  Not cows.  Cows moo." she said.

"Are you sure, honey?  Let me check on that."  The president returned his attention to the small table of children, and reached for one of the colorful toys.  He grabbed a Fisher Price® See n' Say®, The Farmer Says®, pointed the farmer's hand at the cow and pulled the string.  The spinning farmer verified that cows do indeed "moo."  Just to make sure, President Bush turned the farmer's hand at the sheep and pulled the string again.  The sheep bleated.  "Well, that's two for two.  I guess I was wrong."

President Bush was asked whether in his mind the copyrighting of the phrase weapons of mass destruction©, then charging journalists a fee for using it, infringed upon constitutional rights of free press and free speech.  He answered, "I don't know what constitutional rights have to do with any of it.  If you love God and you love this country, why would you object to the fee?  It's financing a war against a madman possessing weapons of mass destruction©."  He chuckled as he used the phrase.  Laura beamed as if she were with a prize pupil, back when she was still a school teacher.    

Meanwhile, back in Washington, Rumsfeld clarified that the phrase weapons of mass destruction© was tested for its impact on a focus group, and the phrase weapons of mass destruction© was clearly more vivid and elicited a stronger reaction than "effective artillery," "offensive deterrents," and -- the President's favorite -- "really big bombs that only a turtle could feel safe from."  The president was talking about the turtle in a naive educational film, Duck and Cover. 

In the conference, Rumsfeld refused to answer any specific questions about the evidence of Iraq possessing weapons of mass destruction©.  He said the sole purpose of this press conference was to discuss the copyrighting of the phrase weapons of mass destruction©, and nothing else would be discussed. 

At the end of the conference, Rumsfeld looked around the room and asked, "Are there any further questions?"  Ignoring the several hands that shot up for his attention, he continued, "Since you have no further questions, I'd' like to inform you that a copyright for the phrase weapons of mass destruction© was indeed granted to the administration just this morning."  He clicked a wink at the Washington press corps, smiled and said, "And you be sure to quote me on that."

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